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Red One (Or, “well stop rubbing it, then”)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The time of giving, caring, and lowering your usual standards because things have tinsel on them. I’m just as guilty as anyone, my usual music taste of Frank Turner, State Champs, and Mudvayne get their annual mix of Leona Lewis, Kelly Clarkson, and that Chris Rea song about being stuck in traffic to totally screw with my Spotify algorithms. This also means that companies of all types realise that they don’t need to try as hard as the lure of festive goodness should net them all the money they need at half the effort. Well, that usually is the case, 70% of your budget back and a 34 on Metacritic seems to imply that maybe a bit more effort wouldn’t have hurt in this case.

It did seem like such a safe bet as well, like betting that about 34% of Christmas posts will be about whether Die Hard is or is not a Christmas movie to the delight of no one. The Directors’ last 2 movies were the Rock’s fun but by the numbers Jumanji movies, and the writer penned most of the last few Fast and Furious movies, way to find a comfort zone guys, don’t forget the scene where our two protagonists argue then begin to trust each other. Combine that with the aforementioned Christmas effect it should have had more interaction that a Russian bot account claiming you can’t say Merry Christmas anymore. The safeness of the script might actually be part of the problem. It opens with establishing very important and untapped things, like that people are highly strung around this time of year, the Rock is a very big man, and influencers should be tied up and force-fed expired eggnog through their ears until they explode.

There are confirmed rumours that The Rock may be part of the problem here. Apparently, he was often hours late to set for filming and using water bottles instead of toilets, adding up to $50 million to the budget (the being late, not the bottles of whizz) meaning this movie had a slightly troubled production in the same way Coventry is a slightly undesirable holiday destination. It reminds me a lot of Red Notice, only marginally less poo, but with Chris Evans, slowly morphing into Ben Affleck, instead of Ryan Reynolds, and the Rock playing the Rock still but now with a “one day away from retirement” gimmick which in action movie is about as fresh as a turkey sandwich on January 14th. In fact, it’s so retro a gimmick The Simpsons were making fun of it *checks notes* 26 years ago. Save some innovation for the rest of us, guys, how about a scene where the good guys escape bad magic by learning a lesson and caring about each other or one of the main characters having a kid and missing their recital? Oh, you have those, how embarrassing I pointed it out.

To R or not to R?

As I said, I’m a sucker for Christmas cheer so this movie does get more of a pass than it should. It has some fun fight scenes, some of the banter is amusing, and overall it’s likeable enough to enjoy with your brain switch firmly in the off position. So, sit back, relax, have a mince pie, and don’t ask why the bottled water tastes funny.

Thanks for reading! I bloody love you guys! Have an amazing Christmas (or alternative holiday)! - Blindy

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