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Kelly Elise Smith Windsor

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PERSON_PROFILE

It was the immensity of his lies at the end that exposed HIM.
I never suspected a thing during the relationship. I wondered why he’d pull away. I wondered why he’d disappear. I never thought he was cheating. I thought he was just being intentionally cruel; unintentionally immature.

I, eventually, decided to move away, take my heart elsewhere because he continued to disappear on me and refused to move the relationship forward even though we had so many conversations about us both wanting a future together. His words did not match his actions and I had to finally accept that.

He was angry at first and then he seemed to accept it. He was sweet and wanted me to move in so I could save money while I finished my contracts before I moved. I agreed because I trusted HIM. I don’t know why I trusted him. We had had many conversations about the fact that he needed to stop tearing me down to people outside our relationship, he HAD lied about me to people, and confessed. I don’t know why I trusted him. I believed he loved me. I believed he treated me badly because he was insecure and immature and I recognized I couldn’t change HIM. But I believed he loved me. So many times it did feel like love, and it was always so confusing when all of a sudden it didn’t. I believed what “felt” right to me. I loved HIM, so he must love me….?

The manipulations became intense following a brief interlude of surreal happiness after I moved in. He made it clear that I had invaded HIS space and that I needed to watch my step in HIS house. I tried to distance myself. I moved to another bedroom. But my emotional health was deteriorating. I felt targeted and bullied by HIM and I wanted to go back to being in love.

He took an opportunity on a day we had planned to spend together, a time I’d hoped we’d reconnect and I could feel safe again, to leave me out and leave me behind and then ignore my pleas for communication. HE taunted me and ridiculed me, and let me know he didn’t care at all about me.

I broke down. I was a screaming crying mess by the time he returned. And that’s what HE wanted. He threw me out, with nowhere to go. He got HIS revenge.

When I found a place to stay, costing me more than my rental in the mountains had been and making my life so incredibly stressful HE used my animals being at his house to further manipulate and abuse me.

And then he switched. He went back to being kind. Said he was sorry, asked me to move back in. I was going to therapy. HE said he’d go too, but he never did. My therapist told me to stay away from HIM. I didn’t move back in. I knew better. As the manipulations about the animals continued I realized I could ask my dad for help. And of course he agreed.

I moved the animals up to my dad’s one night, drove the 5 hours and then drove back for my shift. I was working 5 to 6 twelve hour shifts trying to save money for my move to Oregon. But it was not going well. And finding a place for the dog was proving especially difficult.

When my contracts ended I moved to my dad’s and took a contract near him. I visited the kids in Oregon and tried to settle in to life without HIM, and away from my kids. But HE wasn’t done with me. HE still called, still professed his love. And, as always, I wanted to believe him. He came to see me twice. And it was nice, but when he’d call he’d often somehow hurt my feelings. HE was distant, different.

I started to pull back. I wasn’t interested in continuing the calls, I wanted closure. HE threw a new relationship in my face, and then acted like I was crazy for being hurt. HE manipulated and lied. The lies were crazy. They didn’t even make sense. He accused me of things that HE had done. I didn’t recognize HIM anymore. He was like a monster, someone I’d never known.

Then HE turned again. Talked to me one night all night and told me he couldn’t live without me, asked me to please come back and live with HIM. I was scared. I knew it was a bad idea. I told HIM I’d consider it if we started therapy BEFORE hand and established some boundaries. He agreed.

And then he dropped the hammer. The next morning HE told me he was moving on. HE wouldn’t talk to me on the phone, wouldn’t say goodbye or explain his sudden shift. HE told me a woman was coming to see him that HE had sworn he never had anything with. When I reached out to the man who had been dating the woman when they met, this man said their friendship had ended over HIM going after her so hard. That was three years into our 5 years together. HE had lied about all of it, at the time, and continued to lie.

I spoke to his ex wife and she told me how HE abused her. How HE staid out all weekends and treated her cruelly. HE had lied about her, lied about their relationship. I started to realize everything HE had ever told me was a lie.

And I started to realize why he would disappear. Why his instagram feed was full of models, why HE spent so much time at the casino. Why he lied all the time.

I pored over videos about narcissists and narcissism. I looked back at texts and saw the exact scenarios described in narcissistic abuse. I found out how almost all narcissists cheat, how they lie and manipulate to get away with it, how they gaslight and project and shift blame. And I saw it. I saw HIM, for the first time.

To this day it wrecks my brain. I NEVER saw it while I was with HIM. I was, and am, devastated. I did love HIM. All I wanted was for us to amicably say goodbye. Instead HE was cruel, heartless, and HE had control over my phone and my email and social media accounts. HE hacked my accounts so I couldn’t speak out. HE wanted to destroy me. Punish me. Because I loved him and I’d speak the truth.

There is no stranger thing than believing you are in a love relationship (of any kind) with someone, only to find out they were faking it the entire time. Not just cheating, not just lying, but PRETENDING to love you. Pretending to care. It causes cognitive dissonance, which causes actual brain damage. It made me physically ill and still sometimes makes me nauseous and shaky.

It takes a long time to heal from something like this. I know because I’ve read all the books on recovery. I’m determined to recover. I’m determined to learn self-love and strong boundaries so that something like this can never happen again. To me. It happens to people all the time. I’m not alone. Which breaks my heart.

For anyone else out their healing, I hope you are keeping faith in your heart. I hope you know you are worthy of love and never deserved what happened to you. No one deserves to be deceived in this way. It is criminal. Stay strong. We are survivors. And it is only our unwavering commitment to love that makes us vulnerable. Don’t let that go. Let the abuse and the abuser go❤️

Kelly Elise Smith Windsor

https://www.facebook.com/kellyelisewindsor/