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Kelly Elise Smith Windsor

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PERSON_PROFILE

It’s a magical place. You didn’t remember it being so beautiful. You said you’d never go back. When you left there were SO MANY demons tucked among your memories of the place it seemed forever ruined.

But after the divorce when you’d had a chance to heal like you’d never healed before; when you’d meditated and yoga’d and therapied and trained your way to a state of strength and seemingly virtual invincibility the place seemed magical. And it was a place for redemption. A place to put demons to rest and embrace the advent of a new day with a newfound faith in the relationships you had long wished to be more present in.

Sitting by the lake when the tourists weren’t around. Champagne and eggs after the gym, the view and weather sublime, surreal. Lake days with friends and summer concerts, all the laughter and sunlight glancing off the rippling water. Sunsets on the restaurant patio munching tacos, skin sun-kissed, the music, boats, various celebrations coalescing into that smoothed out vibe. Old friends and new friends, working in a critical access hospital where you felt as if it mattered. Seeing and being seen.

Walking naked on your deck (before the pandemic and people decided to move en masse to rural areas). Hearing the bullfrogs croak and coyotes hunt all summer long. Watching the bats hunt. And every spring the dogwood trees, the best part of the mountain, the white flowers tumbling down the hills and along roads like a second, magic, snowfall. Winter magic of white trees glistening against blue sky, before the melt, so beautiful and perfect it seemed fake.

So, what was missing?
Why did you feel eager and wanting?
How come you showed up here and there hoping to arrive and always feeling you’d, once again, been left behind?
What was wrong with you?

Was it you? What was it about you….
You had come back to re-kindle and connect. You had come back to embrace and belong.
Instead you felt like you were performing.

Things said one-on-one with others were said differently, or left out, in groups or pairs. Words shifted depending on circumstances and the meaning of words shifted with the change of seasons or the changing dynamics of different faces. Consistency was lacking, a solid foundation was not to be found. Your place in this shifting, illusory dynamic was impossible to pin down; it lacked meaning or value.

Then you stumbled into a relationship and it gave you some standing, allowed you a semblance of stability… for a minute.
Until it was revealed to be the biggest sham of all. A deep illusion littered with lies and betrayal. You were “left” alone again; you had been alone all along.

When covid came and you were immersed in the overwhelming reality of families losing their loved ones every single day you could no longer face the performative illusion of your family’s dynamics. Their lack of concern was ever present while your heart broke and you mourned with strangers.

The demons you left behind on that mountain, the horrors that you had promised you would never return to rose from the dead and dogged your days and nights. You were in another relationship that seemed unsound, not quite safe. You blamed yourself, since you were unloved by your own family and haunted by demons, it must be your fault the relationship struggled, you reasoned; you rationalized.

All the hope and promise of your “new life,” the dream of “belonging” was shattered.

Truth was wending its way into your consciousness.

The unraveling had begun…

You made the choice to leave. You made the choice to choose YOU. It took time, there was some dangerous detangling from the abusive trap of the man you had believed you were in love with. But one thing you’ve always been is determined. You made up your mind.

You miss the mountain, and you always will. The demons will never be gone for good. Instead of running from them now you invite them in to sit and remember.

You may not know exactly where you are going but you know where it is all leading, ultimately, to #freedom, #revelation, #healing, #boundaries and #selflove.

Finally 🦋🩷

Kelly Elise Smith Windsor

https://www.facebook.com/kellyelisewindsor/