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Jan Shaughnessy, LCSW

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Help! I’ve been the victim of identity theft!
You see, someone has broken into my house and left a ton of Halloween candy for me to gorge myself upon, and I don’t really appreciate it. But how did they get into my house you ask? Usually identity theft criminals don’t go into your house and leave you something!? I have a theory, which I need to talk to my family about. I think I have a twin that nobody told me I had. Note to self.
I was at Walmart one day, NOT buying Halloween candy, when I noticed someone walk by with a cartful of candy, plus body wash. I guess the body wash was to clean up after the chocolate binge. They looked strangely familiar so I followed them, ducking behind mummy cardboard cutouts and aisle ends full of Hershey’s. They had the nerve to put my favorite candy in their cart. Reece’s. Who does that? Anyway, following them down an aisle of cutesy Halloween décor, they picked up some tombstone socks. I think it was a threat of some kind. I thought, “Dang. They are good.”
Then they were ready to check out and I noticed something strange. Their wallet and purse looked very similar to mine, and they had the same haircut as me. I knew this was a good style on me, why did I doubt it before? As they were unloading bag after bag of candy, I suddenly became excited and gleeful. Manic I would even say. I thought, “Why am I so disciplined (which is a total delusion by the way)?” I’m missing out on life! As I was admiring their ability to throw caution to the wind, I heard them say, “This can’t stay in my house!” as if they were rejecting pure ecstasy! I felt deflated for them. That they couldn’t let the glorious sugar stay in their house. How sad for them. And the candy.
Then they were out the door, skipping a little too springy if you ask me. I lost them in the parking lot, and my stalking afternoon was over. Then the next morning I awoke to crinkling. “what on ear-“ my daughter was getting into bags and bags of Halloween candy. I stared at her in disbelief and then some magnetic force of nature made me follow suit. “Where did these come from?” “Idk,” a common answer I’m used to receiving. I closed the shades and had the strangest suspicion I should check my bank account. “Aha! Wait, that’s strange. Hey I think someone has my debit card, I announce to the air as I hear a ”huh” in the background.
And then there it was. The body wash. It hit me like a ton of candy corn. Identity theft and a break-in! Omg what is this world coming to? As I frantically looked for receipts and analyzing if anything was stolen, my daughter says, “You need to go back to Walmart because we ran out of glow sticks for the treat bags.”
“Huh.”
Well there goes the whole identity theft and break-in theory.
Staring at me with “I’m over it eyes,” my daughter states,
“I hope I never go through menopause.”
Well there you go.

Jan Shaughnessy, LCSW

https://www.facebook.com/JanS.LCSW/

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